by John J. Schessler, Jr. CMT, ET-C

Throughout the course of human events, the one constant that we can all share is a feeling of connection to others. Relationships are difficult for anyone to establish and even more difficult to keep together for any number of years. Dealing with your own problems from day to day is tough enough and then when you throw in another whole person and their problems. and their families, AND their careers…. AAAND their friends (that you usually don’t like!), it’s a lot, right? There seems to be some sort of unwritten rule I’ve noticed that our little American society has always adhered to that really needs to end. That is the rule of that if you are not married and happily single, you should not be chastised or put on blast for it. I’m really going to try to not get into religion here because I do not feel that it is my place to add to that conversation, however, I will discuss my own personal beliefs as how I think this subject should be handled. Before I get into the body of what I’m describing here, I want to add that I think everybody has a right to do what makes them happy, relationship-wise or something else. We all have one life and truth be told; the human life is relatively short. We need to focus on ourselves and not what others are doing in their personal lives because it’s causing mental health issues and making people feel guilty for things, they have no business feeling guilty for. Let’s get into it.

In the early part of the 20th century, the everyone pretty much knew their roles in life; you’re born, you grow, you learn and then you find someone you click with and get married, which usually lasted for the rest of your life. That format has pretty much the way things have gone since the beginning of time and rightly so; humans are pack animals so it makes sense that we would want to hook up with someone for life. As we progressed through the decades, more world events happened and changed the way we view things and relationships weren’t spared. With the civil rights movement and women’s movement that turned into feminism, women were starting to branch out on their own, creating their own independence and freedom for their lives. We’ve all heard the line before, “I don’t need a man/woman to make me feel fulfilled.” and it’s 100% true, you don’t. However, the older generations as well as some X’ers and millennials still adhere to the traditions of old though. 

In the 2000’s things started to drastically change though. People started to change the narrative on what the definition of a relationship really was. With the inclusion of the LGBTQ community, marriage rights, etc., dating and relationships got a facelift of sorts. Now, instead of just man/woman couples, there were gay couples, polyamorous, and the list goes on and on. The majority of society was becoming more comfortable with different types of relationships and comfortable with how people were living their lives. But the age-old question still remains, no matter what type of relationship you find yourself in, “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “Don’t you think it’s time you settled down?”

Well, not actually. In my life of 41 years and as an out gay man for 14 years, I have no intention of slowing down anytime soon. I work full-time, I’m finishing up my Psychology degree and thoroughly enjoy my independence. This doesn’t mean that I do not want to be in a relationship, far from it, however, it’s not top priority for me at this moment in time. I used to feel so shitty when I was in college at Penn State back in the early 2000’s and all of my close friends were in relationships. Wherever we’d go, I’d always feel like the third wheel and then when I got home from wherever we went, I’d feel depressed because I wasn’t with somebody. That’s the struggle of being a closeted gay person; you want to engage in a relationship but if you did, you’d run the risk and probably out yourself. If you aren’t ready for that to happen, you suffer in silence. When I found myself in my first gay relationship, I was so happy but at the same time, I wasn’t. My ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic and a narcissist to the fifth degree, but I wasn’t aware of this fact until after the first year of us being together. During our three-year relationship, I found myself stressed out due to having to visit him in jail, being his taxicab service and wondering where he was and what he was doing at all hours of the day. All this while working full-time and dealing with my own personal life issues from day to day.

I guess you can say relationships are a touch and go subject for me as for a lot of people. The bottom line of this article is nobody can dictate how you live your life and if you don’t want to date, don’t put yourself in that situation. If you do, that’s freakin’ awesome too! My dad always tells me “Live your life and be happy” when I’m leaving my parent’s house after visiting, and that’s how I intend to go about living. Just going with the flow is what suits me right now and taking life as it comes. I wish for other people to live life with the same freedom and low stress as I feel right now in life because I know this won’t last forever.

Bene Vivre everyone!

John J. Schessler is a Pittsburgh-based Personal Trainer, Writer, Motivational Speaker and a Senior at Southern New Hampshire University majoring in Child & Adolescent Psychology. He is also the creator of the podcast, ‘Flip Your Script’, available on all podcast platforms. John has worked in the fitness field for the past 16 years as a Master Personal Trainer, Orthopedic Specialist and Sports Injury Therapist. For speaking bookings or training inquiries, please email pghwellnesspt@gmail.com. Thank you!

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